Chapter 27
Marlena looked around the table at the children. None of them were eating, though they had stopped to pickup pizza on the way home. She couldn’t blame them, she thought, looking down at her own mangled slice.
“We should have stayed, Mom,” Carrie said, breaking the silence. “I want to go back tomorrow. I want to know everything that happened.”
Marlena glanced over at Sami, who was not even making a pretense of eating. “I didn’t want to watch anymore, Carrie. I don’t want to know more than I already do.”
“Don’t you see? This is why he did it. This is why he left us. Dimera hurt him so bad… It wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t his fault he left us. Stefano, he broke something, he changed him. I knew there had to be a reason he left and this is it. I want to see everything. I want to understand how it happened! Marlena, we deserve to know!”
“Maybe Carrie’s right, mom,” Eric chimed in. “Maybe what happened messed his headup or something. Like that doctor said. Maybe John didn’t have a choice when he left us. It might not be his fault, mom.”
Their hurt was so evident, the wound of his loss still raw. Marlena would have done anything to make it better, but she wouldn’t let them live in some fantasy world, believing that at any moment the man who had raised them would walk back into their lives. It was a fantasy that would only do more damage in the end.
In a low voice, she told them what she should have said months ago. “I never thought what happened was his fault. Not any of it. And I don’t blame him for any of it. I know what happened to him in that cell. I know he fought as hard as he could to hold on to being Roman. To hold onto us. But what Stefano did to him… Stefano didn’t break him, he didn’t change him. Stefano made him remember who he really was.”
Carrie started to protest, but Marlena shook her head. “I was there, Carrie. I was with him when he shot an unarmed man. He was so cold. It was like I didn’t know him. And when he took us out of that compound....” Her voice broke and she locked her hands together in order to keep them from shaking. Taking a deep breath, she continued.
“I won’t tell you he doesn’t remember us. That in his own way, he still loves us. I almost think he would have to, to have endured what he did. Risked what he did. But John is not your father and he won’t come back. No matter what happens at this trial, he will never come back. John remembers who he really is. He knows ‘what’ he is. He won’t be back.”
“Mom, I’m sorry,” Carrie said, reaching over to give her hand a tight squeeze. “I know this is toughest on you. I didn’t mean to upset you, I just.... This all seems so wrong.”
“You’re all wrong!” Sami cut in, rising angrily from her chair. “He isn’t any different. Whatever he remembered, it doesn’t matter! Dimera couldn’t make him stop loving us and he will be back! You’ll see, mom. Nothing will stop him from coming home. I know it!”
“Sami...” Her response was cut short as Sami stormed out of the kitchen, retreating to the solitude of her room. Groaning in frustration, Marlena helped Carrie and Eric clear the table as she debated the wisdom of attending the trial in the morning.
“You’re quiet tonight,” Stefano commented, leaning back in his chair and sipping his wine.
John shrugged and continued staring at the table.
“Jefferson informed me you refused to leave the courtroom when the video was shown. I thought I had made it clear, you are to follow his orders as if they were my own.”
“I guess I’ve never been all that good at following orders, now have I?” John replied, flashing Dimera a dark look.
Stefano grimaced. “There was nothing on those tapes you needed to see.”
“What does it matter if I saw the tapes? I remember everything that happened, Stefano. I’m not likely to forget.” His fork clattered loudly as he let it drop to the plate.
“You fought me, John. Every step of the way, you fought me! You think that I wanted to do that to you? I did what was necessary. You know that!”
“Yea, I do know. I’m not blaming you, Stefano. I’m just… tired,” John said, letting out a resigned sigh as he stretched his arms above his head.
“You’re tired because you don’t sleep.”
“Lay off, Stefano. I’m not in the mood.”
“What happened today?” Dimera asked, the hint of worry in his eyes beginning to seem like a permanent fixture.
John topped off his wine glass. Ruby red, the color reminded him of blood. With a low chuckle, he took a deep swallow. “I suppose you know how Jefferson’s planning on getting me off. He’s making out that I’m crazy, that I can’t control myself.”
Dimera shrugged. “He thinks the tactic will work. I don’t see the problem.”
“The problem is Jefferson is right! I knew it was stupid to fight the cops. I knew it would only make things worse. I did it anyway. Stefano, I couldn’t have stopped myself if I had wanted to, and I didn’t want to!”
“John, you have always had a quick temper. That’s nothing new.”
John shook his head. “So my insanity is consistent small comfort.”
“It’s a legal tactic, nothing more. Stop worrying about it.”
“I could have hurt them. I could have really hurt them, Stefano! You should have pulled me out of Salem years ago.”
“John...”
“Fourteen years! Fourteen God damn years I lived here! Do you have any idea the damage I could have caused? I raised those kids. They were just babies when I came to them. Just one slipup and I could have hurt them so badly. Christ! I can still hurt them. Stefano, I need to get out of this town. Tonight. I need to get out!”
“You need to calm down,” Dimera said quietly. “You would never hurt those children and you would never hurt Marlena. Even I know that much. The trial will be over soon and you aren’t going anywhere until it is.”
“You think you can keep me here?” John replied, rising to his feet and shooting Stefano a challenging look.
Dimera gave a dismissive wave of his hand. “Don’t be tedious, John. I know you won’t hurt the Bradys in the same way I’ve always known you won’t turn on me. You have a temper, but you are also one of the most loyal men I’ve ever known. Stop inventing problems that don’t exist.”
“You sound pretty certain,” John replied, his voice low as he studied Dimera. “Can you honestly say you have never had any doubts about me?”
Stefano didn’t so much as blink. “Yes, John, I can.”
After a long moment, John forced a bitter smile. “Old man, you’re usually a much better liar.
John walked into the courtroom, fidgeting under the constraint of yet another silk tie. He’d almost go back to being a cop again if it meant he could stop wearing these damn business suits. Trying to pretend to himself that he wasn’t looking, his eyes searched the packed room for her. He faltered as he saw her sitting on the far side of the room. Surrounded by her children, her face seemed to glow. It took a conscious effort to wrench his eyes forward and concentrate on getting through another day of this interminable trial.
Moving through the preamble to the summation, his actions were wooden. He didn’t even try to fake being a ‘nice guy’ for the jury. At this point, he couldn’t summon the will to care. Leaning back in his seat as the prosecution droned on about the evidence against him, he indulged himself in a bitter memory.
She fights to be free, though she must know she doesn’t stand a chance. He wraps his fingers in her jacket, shakes her hard enough to rattle her teeth. Anything to make her calm down, to make her stop fighting him. He doesn’t want to hurt her. He doesn’t want to. He doesn’t....
“Don’t do this. Please. Please, I won’t tell anybody where you are. I won’t say a word about it,” she stammers.
“Nice try, but no way...” She’ll betray him. She has already betrayed him. He can’t trust her again, no matter how badly he wants to. Damn her for that!
“You don’t need me! You don’t need, me, ok?” Her words rush together, a hysterical jumble of sound.
“Listen...”
“I’ll slow you down...”
“You will slow me down, but I do need you!” He’s shouting, trying to get through to her. He needs her. Why can’t she see that?
“No, no…
His palm stings from the force of the blow and she goes silent. She covers her cheek with her hand, her eyes wide with shock and fear. She’s too afraid to move, too afraid to speak. He feels like he’s going to be sick.
“Now I want you to listen to me because if you don’t, neither one of us is going to make it out alive. Is that what you want? Do you want both of us to die? Do you?!”
She won’t talk to him, will barely look at him. He lets her edge away, watches as she crouches down beside a boulder.
“Marlena?” He moves slow, reaches out tentatively. She shrinks away from him as if expecting to be hit again.
“Don’t.”
“Look it. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything.”
“Are you?” She dabs at her eyes, manages a disbelieving grin. The psychiatrist in her is coming out.
“Yea, I am. Look, I hate seeing you feel this way. Being so scared of me… You don’t have to.” Maybe she’ll believe him. If she believes, maybe he can too. He doesn’t want to hurt her. He’s never wanted to hurt her.
“Well, I don’t know how you want me to feel.”
“I don’t know,” he mutters, unable to meet her gaze. “Just, I keep thinking about not too long ago when we were, well, somewhat friends.”
She looks at him like he’s dirt. “Well, I didn’t know who you were then.”
“You always told me it didn’t make any difference who I was. You just kept telling me to dig for it, to find out the truth!” He’d always known better, had feared what he would find if he searched too hard. But she had been so certain…
“It didn’t matter except that you turned out to be Stefano! I mean, it would have been a lot different if you hadn’t been Stefano.”
“Hey, do you think I wanted things to turn out this way? I mean, after all the help you gave me, do you think I want to end up hurting you like this? Hell, I don’t! I just didn’t have a choice.” Why won’t she understand? He’d do anything for her, anything to have her. He doesn’t want to hurt her....
She does understand him. She knows him better than he knows himself. Her eyes are clear, they see through him as if he were made of glass. But the truth she sees is not the one he wants. “People always have choices, John.”
People always have choices…
Hell, he had known he was a danger to her. He’d always known it. He’d just been too damn selfish to let her go and now they all paid the price. His choices, her life in ruins. He would not make the same mistake twice. Willing the trial to end so he could get out of Salem and away from her, he refocused his attention on the judge as he ordered that jury deliberations begin.
Marlena stood outside the courtroom, trying to decide whether to go in to hear the verdict read. She knew if she went in he would see her. If he saw her, he would come to her and she wasn’t certain she could face that. Looking into those blue eyes, remembering the heat of his touch… She had tried to turn him away once before. She had tried to hate him and she’d had very good cause. In the end, it had mattered not at all…
She sprints through the woods, ignoring the pain in her ankle. He’s right behind her, just as he always has been. She knows she can’t run fast enough to escape. She runs anyway.
“Marlena!” He grabs her wrist and pulls her to a halt. She hates the way his touch makes her feel. Her heart is a weakness she can’t afford.
“I wish you hadn’t tried to kiss me,” she whispers, wiping at the tears that streak her face.
“Why?” He looks like a little boy as he stands before her uncertain, angry. Hurt.
“I don’t know. I’m just so confused about what I’m feeling right now.”
“It’s because you care.”
“ I don’t care about you. How could I? You’re Stefano!” If she says it enough times, maybe it will start to matter again. It has to matter. It has to.
“ Well right now I’d settle just for being good ole John Black.”
“Well I wish you were. I wish I didn’t know the truth! I just want to hate you so much!”
“Why? For something that happened in my other life? A past life? You don’t hate me, I can see it in your eyes.”
She turns away from words she can’t stand to hear. The truth is undeniable, but she’ll die before she admits it to him. He isn’t about to let her escape so easily.
“Don’t pull away from me!” He’s angry now, the force of his grip threatening to snap her wrist. Her tears provide no defense. “Why don’t you just admit it!
“No! I…
He stops her lies with a kiss, demanding lips that she can’t help but respond to. The kiss softens, it lingers, it lasts too long. She sobs when she finally pulls away, stares up at him with wounded eyes. He asks too much. He asks the one thing she can’t give. Without pausing for thought, she whips her arm around and slaps him full in the face. Stunned by what she has done, she still isn’t afraid of him. He won’t hurt her. He would never hurt her.
“John...”
“Just call me Stefano.” His eyes have gone dead, the light of hope finally extinguished. She turns from him, wraps her arms around her body. She should let things be. She should let him go. She can’t.
“I don’t know what to call you anymore I’m so confused. I ought to hate you. I really should, you know. You killed the man that I loved. You deprived my children of their father. And every time I look at you, I forget that ever happened. Well I don’t want to forget it! I can’t forget it! Look, there’s no place for you in my life. Don’t you know that?”
“I know that… But do you know how it makes me feel to hear you say those things? What I’ve done to your family? What I’ve taken from you? I should rot in Hell for those things. But all I can think of is you sharing your life with me.”
She shakes her head, turns to face him. There are tears in his eyes and it surprises her. He is not a man who cries. “What are we going to do? What are we going to do?” she whispers, knowing there are no answers he can give her. Once again, he surprises her.
“I’m never going to let you go. Never.”
It is the right answer. It is the only answer.
She hadn’t been able to let him go when she believed he was Stefano. She wouldn’t be able to let him go now. Wrapping her arms around her stomach, she sent up a prayer that God would watch over him. Before she could change her mind, she walked quickly away from the courtroom doors. If she couldn’t face him and turn away, then she wouldn’t face him at all.
He only realized he was looking for her when he felt the disappointment of not finding her. The kids were back in the corner, but she was nowhere to be seen. He wasn’t certain if it was a good sign or a bad one. Sighing inwardly, he stood to face the judge as the verdict was read.
John tried to stirup some interest in the verdict, but couldn’t find the energy to care. Either way, he was out of here tonight. Dimera had already cleared his return to Europe and he had no intention of visiting the states again any time soon. Better to leave now, while he still could.
He almost missed it when the judge said, “The defendant, John Black, is found not guilty. This court is adjourned.”
Jefferson was slapping him on the back and he tried to put some enthusiasm in his ‘thanks’ but his eyes were drawn away. She was there. She was watching him. He had known she would come just as he knew he shouldn’t look. Then again, nothing about them ever should have been. For a sliver of a second, she froze, gazing back at him with the same hazel eyes that haunted his dreams. Without a sound, she turned and slipped out the door.
His breath caught and he stood staring at the place she had been. He never should have looked. The image was burned into his brain. Her face, her eyes, and beneath the flowing dress, the full breasts and the firm swell of her belly. A child. Their child. He never should have looked.
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