Marlena lay back in the big bed, unable to sleep despite the late hour. Her thoughts kept going to John. To the life he had led. No wonder he had been so willing to accept that he was Roman Brady. No wonder he had fought so hard not to remember his life before.

He hadn’t said a word to her since his confession about Katherine. He had shut down. Shut her out. They had walked back to the house in silence. On their return, he had gone straight to the basement gym. He had been there all afternoon, working himself to the point of exhaustion. When dinner came and went without him, she had gone down and tried to get him to talk. He had ignored her completely. Standing in place. Slamming his fists into a heavy bag. Over and over again, putting his entire body into the blows. Finally, she had left him to work it out in his own way. He would talk to her when he was ready if he would ever be ready.

A sudden scream split the night air, jerking her from her thoughts. She grabbed her dressing gown and ran to the door, wondering if the police had finally found them. Eric stumbled out of his room, pulling on his jeans.

“What’s wrong, Mom?” he asked sleepily.

“Go get the girls up and stay here,” she ordered. Opening the door to the hall, she found it jammed with guards. They were running down the long hall and she could make out the sounds of a struggle. Hesitantly, she followed, and found herself being pushed aside by Stefano as he rushed by her.

Dimera stopped as he came to John’s bedroom. “Let him go! Get out, all of you!” he yelled.

Reaching Dimera’s side, Marlena stood back to let three guards slip by, supporting a fourth man who was nearly unconscious. Peering into the room, she saw John.

He was wild, crouched in the middle of the room like some animal brought to bay. Eyes wide, dripping sweat, he looked like he wanted to go for their throats.

“It was a dream, John. Just a dream,” Dimera called out softly. “Calm down, John. It was just a dream.”

John’s body was still tensed to fight, but he straightened, nodding his head. Closing his eyes, he fought to bring himself under control. “Yea, I know. It’s just a dream.” Gulping a deep breath, he opened his eyes and flashed Stefano a quick grimace meant to pass for a smile. “Sorry. Haven’t done that in a long while.”

“Are you okay?” Dimera asked.

“Yea yea, just a dream. I must have yelled out, and that dumb bastard came running in to see what the problem was. I dropped him before I knew what was going on.” Ruefully, he shook his head, sitting back on the bed. “Sorry,” he repeated.

“Anything you want to talk about?”

John noticed Marlena, standing silently behind Dimera, and his face paled. “Um… no, nothing I want to talk about.”

Marlena pressed past Stefano, not about to be shut out. “Stefano, will you please tell the children everything is fine. I will be back in a little while,” she ordered, daring either of the men to say ‘no’ to her.

Dimera shot a sharp look at John who sat lost in his own thoughts, and nodded in acquiescence. “I’ll let them know,” he said, pulling the door shut behind him.

Despite the cool autumn night, John was soaked in sweat and she could see his racing pulse in the throb of the vein in his neck. Gasping for breath, she could tell he was still struggling for control. Wearing only a ratty pair of sweatpants, he looked incredibly vulnerable and terribly alone. Gingerly, she sat down on the bed beside him.

“What happened,” she asked as he seemed to calm.

He shrugged. “Just a dream. I used to have them as a kid. Dimera knew. I can sort of lose control. Not know what I’m doing for a minute. Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you,” he said, looking awkwardly up at her.





“You apologize too much,” she teased, trying to get him to relax.

He rewarded her with a faint smile. “That’s cause I do so many things that warrant it.”

Unable to help herself, she reached out and brushed a strand of damp hair back from his face. “Was it about Katherine?” she asked gently.

He pulled back, shaking his head. “I don’t know… don’t really remember,” he mumbled, glancing away.

Knowing he wasn’t ready to talk, she let it drop. “Come on,” she said briskly, standing up. “You need to lay back down and get some sleep. It’s after three in the morning.” Putting actions to words, she reached out and tried to push him back on the bed.

“Doc… no. I’m too tense. I can’t get to sleep now. I’ll go downstairs. Maybe lift some weights until I get tired,” he said, struggling to rise.

“Enough with you and that damn gym,” she replied, shoving him back down. “Now lay down, right this minute!”

His eyes widened. “Yes ma’am!” he said.

“Better,” Marlena granted him a smile. “Now roll over.”

This time, he actually chuckled. “What is this? Obedience school?” But he complied, stretching out on his stomach. He nearly jumped out of his skin when he felt her hands on his shoulders.

Marlena stifled a chuckle as John’s body seemed to leap a foot off of the bed at her touch. She could feel the tremors running through his lean frame. Finally, though, he accepted her touch, began to relax into the soothing caress. She smiled to herself and put her weight into it, kneading hard muscles, easing away the knots. His breathing became more regular and his eyes began to close. He had almost nodded off when he jerked suddenly upright and rolled away from her, a panicked look on his face.

Gulping air, again he again offered an apology. “I’m sorry. I just...I really don’t want to go to sleep right now. Okay?” he finished, almost timidly.

And she understood. He didn’t want to dream. He was scared he was going to dream, so he didn’t want to go to sleep. Unable to prevent it, she felt the tears spring to her eyes.

John saw the tears and knew he had hurt her again. “God, I’m sorry Marlena. I didn’t mean to frighten you. I’m just jumpy. You should probably just stay away from me right now.”

Marlena couldn’t help laughing. He was so paranoid about hurting her. “John, I was not scared of you! I was just… sad.”

“Yea, well I don’t want you to be sad, either,” he muttered, more to himself than her. “Look,” he said, as he scooted to the side of the bed. “I’m going to fall asleep if I stay here. I’ll just be in the gym for a little while. Or maybe watch TV or something,” he added hastily.

Catching his arm, she halted his progress. Serious now, she said, “You are going to have to sleep John. You can’t avoid it. You’re just going to get really grumpy if you try!” she said, flashing a smile and smoothed his hair back. “It will be okay. I’ll stay with you. You will be okay. I promise.”

Reluctantly, he let her pull him down until he lay looking up at the ceiling. His head resting on the pillow, he was distinctly aware of the heat of her body as she eased in beside him. He started to get up then, deciding that the gym was the only hope for his sanity, when her hand dropped across his chest.





He froze, unable to move. Dimly, he heard her speaking.

“John… Come on John. Roll over, you’re hogging the bed.” He looks terrified, she thought to herself as she tugged the blankets up over them both. Briefly, she wondered if he were more afraid of the dreams or of her. She thought it was probably a tossup.

The blankets clutched in her hand, she snuggled back down into the bed, tucking her body in behind his. Ignoring for the moment the fact that he was holding himself completely rigid, she pulled the blankets around their shoulders. Sliding one arm under John’s neck, she let the other fall across his waist and pull against his chest. Burrowing her head into his shoulder, she allowed herself to simply relax against him.

Minutes passed as she held him tight, and she could still scarcely feel him breathe. The only sign of life was the heavy beat of the heart as it pulsed against her hand. Finally, he shuddered, letting the tension wash away. His body sagged against hers and she felt him draw a ragged breath. “Thank you,” he whispered.

“Anytime,” she whispered back.

His fingers entwined with her own and his breathing became more regular. For a long time after he fell into a dreamless sleep, she simply lay holding him, luxuriating in the feel of his body against hers. Finally, she too drifted off to sleep.

He was so tired, he couldn’t focus. Who the hell was pounding on his door!? “What?” John yelled irritably. Rolling over, he tried not to disturb her.

“Uh, it’s me, Dad,” Eric’s voice answered hesitantly. “I’m just checking… Is Mom in there with you?”





“Yea, sure...” The words were out before their import sank in. Staring down at her face, her eyes just starting to flutter awake, he realized that she really was here. In his bed. The reality hit him as her eyes blinked opened to and gazed up at him. He was caught by the hunger in those hazel eyes and found himself slowly sinking down. Grazing her lips with a feather’s touch of his own. Never closing his eyes, he drank in her face, her feel.

He pressed back up, hovering over her. Burning with the desire to be with her. To be in her. And then she touched him just the barest scratch of fingernails through the thick cloth of the sweats.

He arched off of the bed like he had been electrocuted, scrambling away from her. Backing into the far wall, he sank down to crouch on his heels. Pale faced, he studied her, taking deep breaths as he shook his head. “I’m sorry...I can’t do this,” he rasped out thickly.

Stunned by his reaction, she shifted so that her head rested at the foot of the bed. Propping her chin in her hands, she looked him over, amusement in her eyes. “You certainly ‘look’ like you can,” she stated, staring pointedly at his crotch. His need was obvious and a sly smile creased her face. “I’m certain that if I were very, very creative, I could probably help you out, there,” she teased.

His gaze was intense, the need for her making it hard to think. “Just looking at you makes me want to cum,” he stated bluntly.

Shocked, she was at a loss for words. Laughing hysterically, she collapsed onto her back. Through the giggles, she brokenly responded, “That is probably… the most romantic thing… you have ever said!”

Disgruntled, he got to his feet as she still lay gasping for breath on the bed. “I’m so glad this is amusing you, but I think I am going to take a shower.”

His awkward gate as he moved to the bathroom sent her back into a giggle fit and he shot her a sour look as he closed the door behind him.

Marlena lay back on the bed, listening to the sound of the water splashing down in the other room. Smiling to herself, she realized how much she needed him in her life to feel whole. She would not let his fear keep them apart.

She was startled from her musings as the door opened and John walked into the room wearing only a towel. Studiously ignoring her, he crossed to the closet. Despite his seeming nonchalance, Marlena could see that he was blushing furiously.

She gave him a puzzled look. “Would you care to explain why you leap from my bed as though you can’t stand my touch and then come prancing through here dressed only in a towel? Are you purposely being a tease?”

Picking through the closet to avoid facing her, he replied “You know I don’t usually use a robe. By the time I realized, it was too late. I was already in the shower and my sweats were in a damp heap on the floor hence the towel. And I didn’t ‘prance’,” he said, grudgingly turning to face her.

“Mm, okay. You didn’t prance. But, I still want to know why you jumped out of my bed.”

He sat at the edge of the bed, discretely pulling jeans up over cotton boxers. “You know why,” he replied, aware of her eyes burning a hole in his back.

“No, John actually, I don’t. I want you to tell me. What you’re thinking. What you’re feeling. I know you want to be with me. I don’t understand your fear.”

She wanted him to say it. To recognize what was keeping them apart. It was the only way he might come to terms with it. She was simply relieved he was willing to talk about his feelings at all, given his reaction yesterday.

With a sigh of resignation, he turned on the bed to face her. She caught his eye for a second, and then he looked down, plucking at the threads of the thick quilt. “I can’t be with you just once. We both know that. If I… if we made love, I couldn’t leave. I wouldn’t be able to make myself leave.” He shrugged, his eyes drifting across the room. His voice catching in his throat, he repeated, “So I can’t… be with you. Because I can’t stay.”

She drew her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. “Why can’t you stay, John. I want you to. So do the kids, if you hadn’t noticed. I know it’s what you want too. So you tell me, why can’t you stay with us?” she asked softly.

Clearly uncomfortable, he stared down into the fabric of the quilt before raising pain filled eyes. “Because it would hurt you. In the end, I would hurt you.”

Her eyes filled with tears and she reached out to lightly cup his face in her hand. “And this doesn’t hurt me?” she asked, voice breaking.

He turned his face in her hand, kissed her palm with dry lips. “I’m sorry, Doc,” he whispered, stretching his hand to her face. He wiped a tear gently away with the pad of his thumb, and at his touch, she began to tremble.





The move more an act of desperation than desire, he shifted forward. Took her in his arms. Crushed her body against his. Felt the anguished sobs that shook her. And knew he would do anything to stop her pain.

“Shh. Don’t cry, Doc. Don’t cry. It’s okay,” he gentled, rocking her slightly, his fingers curling in her hair. Closing his eyes on what he was doing, he whispered to her what she wanted to hear.

“Don’t cry… I’ll stay.”

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